Jokes!

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.



Sorry. Really bad i know, but classics!

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.)

Have you heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base"
briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane -- only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

News from Apple

Apple Computers announced today that is has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Thank to Apple, everyone is now happy.

My grandmother is a computer geek. She also has trouble remembering quickly sometimes. One day she couldn't think of what she wanted to tell us.
Mom explained, "Your grandma is trying to retrieve the information, but it is taking awhile. Evidently she hasn't defragmented her hard drive lately."

english man, irish man, scots man walking through the dessert.
they come accross an old abandoned car
english man takes the seat saying "i can use this as shade and rest on it when i am tired"
scotts man takes the roof saying "i can use this to shade myself during the day"
irish man takes the window.
english man and scotts man ask him why and he replies
"so when i get hot i can wind down the window"

Last edited by Menoly (07-31-2008 21:49)

I have two jokes, enjoy;)
Q:What do you get when you cross a watchdog and a leopard?
A: A terrifed Postman.

Q:Why do farts smell?
A: So deaf people can appreciate them.
:LOL:

LOL all these jokes are great!!!!!!!
You've cheered me up on a stressfull day Thnx

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!


Doctor, doctor, I think I need glasses.
I wondered why you walked through the window.


Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a calender.
Come back and see me in a month.

I love your jokes!!!!!!:X:X:X

lovely553 wrote:

Q: How many dunb people dose it yake to screw in a light bulb

A: 500. 1 to hold the bulb and 499 to figure out *** to spin the room around!

:)xxxxx

haha !! lmao

xx

Two Blondes with Hammers... Carol and Donna, were doing some
carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down
house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either
toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this
was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'



A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of
Her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor
asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?' 'No, silly' the blonde said.
'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid
$6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So
then? 'asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I
just paid $3, 000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in
the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This
is going to make a loud noise. So I put my
finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'




A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to
have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her
hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So
she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate
saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the
repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get
all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like, hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.!'




A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk
to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps
hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's
amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it
to  work the next day. Her boss saw it
on her desk. 'What's that?' he asked. 'Why, that's a thermos..... it
keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired,
'What do you have in it?' The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some
coffee.




A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asks
sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this
morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.' The
boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take
the day off to relax and rest.' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need
to  keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The
boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass
and  the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office
and  sees the blonde crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister.  Her mother died, too!'