If you love a good laugh.......

Megamouth · 08-14-2008 22:54

I wanted to share some jokes with everyone so I will poast them on here and please share yours with me also. Some are a little longer than others but I hope they are worth it!

Last edited by Megamouth (08-14-2008 22:55)

Megamouth · 08-14-2008 22:55

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

Megamouth · 08-14-2008 23:00

One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in northern
Minnesota were listening to the radio. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the
street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street,
so the snowplows can get through"

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park..." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street
do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who
are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Megamouth · 08-14-2008 23:01

I'm A Barbie Girl, In A Barbie World ...

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: 'It's how much?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends...

Megamouth · 08-14-2008 23:02

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and
you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and the fact that she is much older than
I am.

But it's not only the passion Dad, she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and
has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children soon since her age is much greater than mine.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. We plan on farming our
own food and canning it for the winter months. We believe in a natural
child rearing approach for our children and they can help us grow the
marijuana and prepare it for trade. We would like to home-school them as
well and let them learn our family's way of life. All academic subjects can
be learned at home incorporating our family values into our life's work with
the marijuana.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy
can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son,

John

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to
come home.

Megamouth · 08-14-2008 23:03

A young boy went to his father and asked,

'What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?'

The father answered,

'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Denzel Washington for one million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Sean 'Puffy' Combs for one million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you have learned'

So the boy went to his mother and asked,

'Would you sleep with Denzel Washington for one million dollars?'

The mother replied,

'Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that!'

Then the boy went to his sister and asked,

'Would you sleep with Sean 'Puffy' Combs for one million dollars?'

The girl replied,

'Oh my gosh! I'd be nuts to pass that up!'

The boy thought about it and went back to his dad.

His father asked him if he'd found out the difference between potentially and realistically.

The boy replied,

'Yes. Potentially we're sitting on two million dollars. But realistically, we're living with two ****'

Pale Buttercup · 08-14-2008 23:03

i am the best at destroying jokes. but I love to laugh

Thanks you are helping me get through a long PMS filled day

Megamouth · 08-14-2008 23:05

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not t o smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Megamouth · 08-14-2008 23:07

THE HUSBAND HAD JUST FINISHED READING A NEW BOOK

ENTITLED, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE.

HE STORMED TO HIS WIFE IN THE KITCHEN AND ANNOUNCED,'FROM NOW ON, YOU

NEED TO KNOW THAT I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND MY WORD IS LAW.

YOU WILL PREPARE ME A GOURMET MEAL TONIGHT, AND WHEN I'M FINISHED

EATING MY MEAL, YOU WILL SERVE ME A SUMPTUOUS DESSERT. AFTER DINNER,

YOU ARE GOING TO GO UPSTAIRS WITH ME AND WE WILL HAVE THE KIND NIGHT

THAT I WANT. AFTERWARDS, YOU ARE GOING TO DRAW ME A BATH SO I CAN

RELAX. YOU WILL WASH MY BACK AND TOWEL ME DRY AND BRING ME MY ROBE.

THEN, YOU WILL MASSAGE MY FEET AND HANDS. THEN TOMORROW, GUESS

WHO'S GOING TO DRESS ME AND COMB MY HAIR? THE WIFE REPLIED, ' THE

FUNERAL DIRECTOR WOULD BE MY FIRST GUESS.

Megamouth · 08-14-2008 23:10

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on
his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled
his way t o bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Megamouth · 08-14-2008 23:11

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to heck.'

'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that'

Megamouth · 08-14-2008 23:12

Happy Hour In West Virginia

A redneck is driving down a back road in West Virginia.

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord almighty," he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"

BL0ND11 · 08-15-2008 20:21

lmaooooo

there really fuuny smile

Megamouth · 08-16-2008 16:45

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Megamouth · 08-16-2008 16:48

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Megamouth · 08-16-2008 16:49

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

Megamouth · 08-16-2008 16:51

TAKE IT OFF

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss
Program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands
Before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed
In nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
Company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles
Later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows
Up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth
Day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. As promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and
There stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has
Ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes
And a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have
Me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
Excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with
Him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
Discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As promised. He decides
To go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is
Our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt
This good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens
It he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing
But pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, your butt is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Megamouth · 08-16-2008 16:52

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

Megamouth · 08-16-2008 16:58

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the

breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She

bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so

stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin'

machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is

dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going

through her purse the other day lookin' fer some

change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb

about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ai n't got no pecker

Megamouth · 08-16-2008 16:59

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?'

Megamouth · 08-16-2008 17:01

The Story of Jack Schitt

How many times has someone said to you, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, here's the entire story...

Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn-Schitt. Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they had six children.
Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt and then two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt. Their final child, another son, named Bull Schitt.
In the meantime, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt and they are expecting the arrival of Baby Schitt.
So, now you know Jack Schitt and his family, in case someone asks.

Megamouth · 08-16-2008 17:03

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m.,
a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo
clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing
my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was
really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution,
in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally
smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!) The
next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away
with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked
him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then
said 'oh crap.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed
another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over
the coffee table and farted.

VictoriaMorrison · 08-16-2008 19:36

Those were all brilliant!!

Sashake · 08-17-2008 13:25

loved them big_smile

Geoljinnsjg · 08-17-2008 15:32

Megamouth wrote:
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m.,
a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo
clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing
my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was
really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution,
in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally
smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!) The
next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away
with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked
him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then
said 'oh crap.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed
another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over
the coffee table and farted.

I laughed out loud to this one.. Genius

If you love a good laugh.......

#1 08-14-2008 22:54

If you love a good laugh.......

#2 08-14-2008 22:55

Re: If you love a good laugh.......

#3 08-14-2008 23:00

Re: If you love a good laugh.......

#4 08-14-2008 23:01

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#5 08-14-2008 23:02

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#6 08-14-2008 23:03

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#7 08-14-2008 23:03

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#8 08-14-2008 23:05

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#9 08-14-2008 23:07

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#10 08-14-2008 23:10

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#11 08-14-2008 23:11

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#12 08-14-2008 23:12

Re: If you love a good laugh.......

#13 08-15-2008 20:21

Re: If you love a good laugh.......

#14 08-16-2008 16:45

Re: If you love a good laugh.......

#15 08-16-2008 16:48

Re: If you love a good laugh.......

#16 08-16-2008 16:49

Re: If you love a good laugh.......

#17 08-16-2008 16:51

Re: If you love a good laugh.......

#18 08-16-2008 16:52

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#19 08-16-2008 16:58

Re: If you love a good laugh.......

#20 08-16-2008 16:59

Re: If you love a good laugh.......

#21 08-16-2008 17:01

Re: If you love a good laugh.......

#22 08-16-2008 17:03

Re: If you love a good laugh.......

#23 08-16-2008 19:36

Re: If you love a good laugh.......

#24 08-17-2008 13:25

Re: If you love a good laugh.......

#25 08-17-2008 15:32

Re: If you love a good laugh.......

Megamouth wrote:

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