If you love a good laugh.......

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous
On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the
following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his butt.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his butt.

10)We do! not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take
this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'

12 The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Last edited by Megamouth (08-19-2008 16:34)

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: 'Nice pigs, sir.'



The President replies 'These are not pigs; these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi.'



The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, ‘Excellent trade, sir.'

Mental Hospital Phone Menu..



Hello and thank you for calling The Looney Bin.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay

on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to

the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will

tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you

press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or

before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. I f you have

short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too

busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan,

lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Jesus & the Redneck

An Italian in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Italian looked across the Restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Italian told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Irishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the Waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Irishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Italian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Italian felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability."

Glad you liked it:)

YEah I gotta go through my folders cause I got more!  Glad you enjoyed them!

I LOVE MY JOB

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.



Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day.

  Oiie

VictoriaMorrison wrote:

Those were all brilliant!!

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day,
they'd each walked across the  lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday cam e around, he and his pal Jim Bob
took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ...
and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba  went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,'
he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like
my pappy, his father, and his  father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said,
'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather
were born in January, when  the lake is frozen, and you were born
in July, you frickin' idiot.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.  Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally, unfortunately, my wife is like most women--she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from Wal-Mart.


Dear Mrs. Hill,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Hill are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.    June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.   July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.   July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.   July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.

5.   August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6.   August 14: Moved the 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7..   August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding Department.

8.   August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9.   September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Hunting Department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the Auto Department, he practiced his 'Madonna Look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed by, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

and last, but not least

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.  This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.' No one moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'  The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!!

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
          The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she
would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good
in the black suit he is already wearing.
         The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives
the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs,
but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?' To her astonish-ment, the blonde mortician presents her with
the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says,'it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
     
'So I just switched the heads.'